Need to vent

I'm having a hard time. I am. And it's so very unlike me to admit that to anyone... at all. But I'm finding that I have to. And the sad part is that there is no one to tell.

Growing up, appearances were important. You know, avoiding the "appearance of evil" and then finding out that true substance sometimes took second place to an appearance. So, I became what people expected to see. I was strong. I was a bold leader. I maneuvered myself to fit whatever mold I was expected to fit. And I was *good* at it. I learned to anticipate and thus became even better at my skill. But I was insecure...and I didn't really know it. Funny, huh?

Now, I find that with 3 kids under the age of 4, I don't really know who I am. I know who and what I am not...or what I cannot be. I have failed at so many things these last 3 years I am painfully aware that I can no longer continue my "game". I can't be who my husband wants or expects me to be. I can't be who even I want to be for my kids and my family. I can't. I just simply fail at any attempt.

So, I sit here. Desperate for help of some kind. My house is literally a wreck. I have dishes that need to be done, a kitchen that has been a wreck for longer than I dare to admit, toys that need to be organized, and Christmas is coming. My tree isn't decorated, my gifts haven't all been purchased, I have a project that I felt so good for tackling that just needs one final touch to complete...

I need babysitter recommendations and finally just up and asked for some...to get no reply. I asked in desperation if I could somehow still attend my mom's group even if my kids were almost over the cold they've had for 2 weeks now...only to get no answer. I don't make friends very easily, and any time I've gone somewhere new, by myself, I've rarely been greeted, approached and/or engaged in any way.

I know that I should not just be waiting for people to come to me...I should go out and put myself forward...but that is so very hard for me. I don't know what to do, or what to say. Smalltalk was never my forte. The friends that I have right now are ones that when we met it was as if we had been friends for all of time. There are few of them and none that live anywhere nearby and that's probably a testament to why one should not live with only friends like that.

I just don't know what to do. I've sworn this past week that I would not ask my husband for any help...and I haven't. I've succeeded in that goal. But the truth is, I need help. I'm just tired of feeling guilty for asking him to take time away from whatever he has to do. I am tired of being told that here is how he will help only to find that when I claim that help, he's upset and can't believe how much money I'm spending, or what a wreck things are and I still want to go out, or why I need more than what I've already had in time.

I could use a friend who understands where I am. Someone whose expectations of me come from an understanding of where I am in life and who I really am. What I am capable of and what is realistic, vs. improbable. I've been hopeful, making plans and thinking I can accomplish things. Unrealisticly so and that is so discouraging. To feel that every thought and attempt is failure.

Where do I even start? Where do I go to make friends? I even feel like it's not right for me to go out and meet people only with the purpose of getting help. So where does that leave me? Do I just trudge through this hard time alone until I figure out how to get to the other side and *then* go make friends while things are good? Do I find some group that I get up and introduce myself and basically tell them, "I'm here for help...I need friends b/c I need help...I have nothing much to give, but I really have a lot of needs right now"?

What do I do?